Monday, October 30, 2017

The Hunt (spin-off to Dirty Dix/Addicted to Sin) By Monica James


About the Book

My name is Hunter O’Shea and I have a confession to make…I’ve met a girl who consumes me. I know that makes me sound completely whipped, but Mary “Lamb” Mitts has the power to bring me to my knees…it’s just too bad she hates my guts. But that’s okay, because I hate hers, too. The fiery redhead stirs something in me that I can’t explain.

This temporary insanity could be due to the fact my best friend, who used to be a bigger player than me, is getting married. That must be it. I’m caught up in an Oprah moment.
The only solution is to get back in the game and forget she exists. That theory is great—too bad I don’t want anyone else.

I…just…want…her.

I’m so screwed. 


Links



EXCERPT:

Something is happening and I have no idea what. Mary’s eyes drop to my lips before she uneasily licks hers. Her flushed cheeks, dilated pupils, and heavy breathing all point to one thing—but that’s not possible. This woman hates me, all delicious, lithe five-foot-four of her wants me dead.

So why is she not slapping my cheeks and calling me a dirty manwhore when I inch closer to her lips? And why am I not slamming on the brakes because I don’t kiss—ever, but that rule seems to be obsolete when the supplest pair of lips are a hairs breadth away?

I’m rolling in her perfume. Slathering it all over my body and inhaling it like a new drug. She is all goddess, and if I don’t touch her, I’m going to explode.

Placing my palm to her cheek, we both moan at the contact, and when she parts those lips, I’m as good as gone. “Hunter, wh-what are you doing?”

My name has never sounded sweeter. “Shortcake, I don’t know…you tell me.” The ball is in her court. I’m liquefying and my brain turned to mush about fifteen minutes ago, so I’m in no state to be the one calling the shots.

“I…I…” she fumbles, never breaking eye contact.

“You what?” I ask, tugging at the lobe of her ear, before tracing my pointer down her throat. Her pulse is hammering, a sure sign she’s about to either surrender, or flee.
“I…oh god,” she whimpers, biting her lip when I work my finger back up and paint over her jawline in a slow sweep.

“You have three seconds…three seconds to stop me before I part those lips with my tongue, and I won’t be gentle about it.”


Addicted 2 Romance Review

I voluntarily reviewed an Advance Reader Copy of this book.

I have read a few Monica James novels and I have enjoyed them. I did NOT read the Dirty Dix series as it had a  sisters sleeping with the same guy and I am not a fan of that type of romance. But this book sounded good so I gave it a try.

It was cute. It stars Hunter aka the title The Hunt, and Mary, the woman he hunts for. Think Mary had a Little Lamb and the big bad wolf. That's what I found cute about this story, the theme I guess you'd say.

The story was very sexual and dirty and tons and tons of sex, but there is also a very solid storyline and it keeps you reading to the very end. I enjoyed the bad guys and trying to figure out what they are up to. I also loved how involved Mary got in trying to help Hunter.

Those were the good things, but there were other things that I did not love. One is I felt Hunter was a male slut. Not a manwhore but a slut. He really will have sex with any woman and it really makes him feel awful and slimy after. Yes, he is single, and I would have respected him more if it made him feel good, but it really made him feel terrible.

I did like that after he and Mary start something he pretty much becomes a one woman man. But he still flirts and dates other women and I did not love that part. That said I did enjoy the story and I liked both him and Mary.


About the Author



Monica James spent her youth devouring the works of Anne Rice, William Shakespeare, and Emily Dickinson.

When she is not writing, Monica is busy running her own business, but she always finds a balance between the two. She enjoys writing honest, heartfelt, and turbulent stories, hoping to leave an imprint on her readers. She draws her inspiration from life.

She is a bestselling author in the U.S., Australia, Canada, France, Germany, Israel, and the U.K.
Monica James resides in Melbourne, Australia, with her wonderful family, and menagerie of animals. She is slightly obsessed with cats, chucks, and lip gloss, and secretly wishes she was a ninja on the weekends.





Punitive Damages by Charlotte Byrd

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About the Book


A steamy standalone alpha romance novel with steamy scenes that will make you blush!

I’m a criminal defense attorney and I only do one night stands. I’ve never had a girlfriend and I intend to keep it that way. I also hate interns. You know, the ones who are still in law school, don’t know anything about real law and just get in the way. But when my boss asks me to do him a favor and take on his niece as my intern for the summer, I can’t say no. The last thing I expect is to fall in love with her.

This is my last summer before graduation and I intend to spend it learning as much as I can about the law. I’m not looking for a one night stand or a relationship. And I’m definitely not interested in my cocky a**hole of a boss who sleeps with a different girl every night. He’s dark, dangerous and everything that I hate in a man. But then one night turns into two, I can’t seem to stop myself.

WARNING: This is a HOT modern day dark erotic romance with an alpha billionaire for fans of EL James, Pepper Winters, and Alexa Riley. It contains NO CHEATING, and a Happily Ever After.

**For a Limited Time only, it also includes a full-length bestselling novel, Auctioned to Him.

Links


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Addicted 2 Romance Review

I voluntarily reviewed an Advance Reader Copy of this book

This is my first time reading this author and well I expected it to be very erotic and it was not really. It has HOT scenes but it never gets explicit. So if you like that, you will love this story. It is also fairly short, 1/2 of the book is Punitive Damages and the other half is a book previously published. It is very intense and very dramatic and I enjoyed all the legal speak and the drama and it definitely kept me on the edge of my seat.

It also is fairly one sided. It starts out with Asher's voice and then goes to Cora's and then stays with her for the rest of the book. It totally works and needs to be from Cora's side because it kept you guessing what was really going on.

The story is about Cora, a law student whose uncle works at a top criminal law firm. He gets her an internship working with Asher, a rich, sexy top lawyer. Their first case together is defending a woman accused of killing her husband and lets just say nothing is as it seems.  As an erotic story or even love story, it did not work for me, but as a dramatic story that kept me guessing it was an absolute winner and I loved that it was not super long and dragged out.


About the Author

Give into your Guilty Pleasure!

Charlotte Byrd writes billionaire romances about flawed and troubled alpha males, strong women who love them. All the books are very popular with indie romance lovers who love hot and steamy scenes and can be enjoyed and read in any order. You can check out the entire collection here: amazon.com/author/charlottebyrd (just copy and paste into your browser)

Get my FREE bestselling billionaire romance by copying and pasting this into your browser window:https://www.instafreebie.com/free/YbZ46

You will also get exclusive access to upcoming New Releases and Awesome giveaways!


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Mister McHottie by Pippa Grant

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About the Book

Chase

I’ve just bought the woman of my nightmares.
Technically, I bought the company she works for. Point is, she cost me my two best friends ten years ago. It’s payback time, and I’m going to make her life hell.
When I’m not banging her silly and myself stupid.
I need to get my head back in business, because getting off is great, but He was a man who had sex, and lots of it, and in the worst locations, with the woman of his nightmares isn’t the inscription I want on my tombstone.
Even if it’s true.

Ambrosia

There are three things I hate:
Bratwurst in any form, my neighbors boinking loudly like farm animals at 3 AM, and Chase Jett.
Mostly I hate Chase Jett. It’s been ten years since he took my virginity—I’d make a bratwurst joke, but the unfortunate truth is that it would have to be a bratbest joke, which also pisses me off—and now he’s not only a billionaire, he’s also my new boss.
Turns out our hate is mutual. And this kind of hate is horrifically twisted, filthy, and banging hot.
I just might have to hate him forever.

Mister McHottie is 45,000 gloriously hilarious, hot, sexy words that your mother warned you about, complete with an organic happy-ever-after (or seven), a Bratwurst Wagon, ill-advised office pranks, and no cheating or cliffhangers.

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Links

GOODREADS LINK: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/36240652-mister-mchottie


PURCHASE LINKS

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Free in Kindle Unlimited

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EXCERPT


Ambrosia May Berger is standing in the elevator bank, peering up at the numbers. She hiccups again. I stop beside her and watch her eyes go wide, then narrow, then cross. Mirrored elevator doors are possibly the second greatest invention known to man.

First, of course, is the internet.

I stare at Bro in the door mirror.

She stares back.

For all the shit she gave me growing up, I always respected her spine. As much as one can respect something that infuriating. She got away with everything. Even when she was reckless.
I can honestly say no woman I’ve been with since her has ever tried to make a break for it in the Bratwurst Wagon.

As long as I block out the month that followed, I can think of the Bratwurst Wagon with a smile.

“Working late or coming in early?” I ask.

“The hogs are mating again,” she replies.

The world believes this woman to be a sane, competent adult. Mind-boggling.

“Do you always wait in elevator banks for women you want to harass?” she asks.

“Only when I’ve gotten bored staking out the bathrooms.” I reach over and hit the up button, because she hasn’t. “Do you always assume the elevators can read your mind?”

“They were doing better than you. I didn’t want to go up.”

“And you’re standing here because…?”

“It’s my thinking spot.”

“It’s 3 AM on a Wednesday morning.”

“Do you see me judging you on wanting to use an elevator at 3 AM on a Wednesday morning? No, you don’t. So why do you have to judge me for wanting to think in an elevator bank at 3 AM?

Hmmmmmm?” The hum trills up on the end, right in time with her swiveling to face me. She squints one eye, then the other, before scrunching her face, pointing her index finger at my nose, and making pew, pew noises.

If this is what the security guards were worried I’d find, I’m rather disappointed.

“Drinking on the job again?” I ask.

“Again implies I’ve done it before. Which I have not, unless you count that time the guava kale juice fermented, which I don’t, because it only counts as drinking if I enjoy the alcohol. Also, all whiskey was consumed off-premise.”

“So you’re drunk.”

“I’m not drunk. I’m barely buzzed enough to be able to tolerate you.”

I eye her, and decide she’s telling the truth. Her eyes are too focused and her tongue’s too sharp for her to be drunk. I can’t even smell anything on her. Tired, maybe, but not drunk.

“Was it organic?” I ask dryly.

“It’s whiskey, dickhead.”

Christ, that mouth. I want to lick it and tape it shut all at the same time. “You shouldn’t call your superiors names.”

She blows a raspberry. The sight of her ripe pink tongue makes my cock leap to attention.

“Looking for disciplinary action?” I murmur.

“Oh, don’t you wish.” The elevator dings, and she lists inside. I’d try to catch her, but frankly, I wouldn’t mind seeing her crash to the ground.

She comes to a solid stop at the railing along the back paneled wall. “And you’re not my superior,” she says.

“I write your paycheck.”

“Not yet you haven’t.” Spittle shouldn’t be sexy, but her second raspberry gives me a longer look at her tongue. I remember that tongue. Long as a lizard’s, hot as a volcano, talented as a porn star.
That’s as complimentary as I get where Bro Berger is concerned.

“So Mr. Liver-bellied Bratwurst-runner-away-er,” she says, “wouldn’t you be happier owning a grocery store that I don’t work for? Because I’m sure we can find another zagillionaire to take your place.”

I punch the button to the eighteenth floor—where the fresh greens for tomorrow are being picked and packed right now, if all’s on schedule—and give her my worst smile. “Aw, Bro, your inflated opinion of my bank account is touching.”

“You could be a mega-ka-billion-trillionaire, and you still wouldn’t have enough money to buy a soul.”

I’m relatively new to the ranks of the ten-figure club, but it’s still been years since anyone has insulted me to my face.

Her blatant hatred is oddly erotic. “Who needs a soul when I have the power to sack tempestuous employees?”

“Go ahead. I dare you.” She bangs the button for the fourth floor. Then the third, fifth, seventh, ninth, and every odd number to the top. With a frown, she draws her hand down the row of even numbers until every single floor is lit, and if I’d still thought this was alcohol motivating her, the sharp, devious intention in her cold eyes removes any doubt.

She’s fully in control and she’s intentionally trying to bait me.

Heat creeps over my scalp. It’s working.

She’s making this elevator stop on Every. Single. Fucking. Floor.

I whip out my cell phone—security can override her little prank—but as the doors close, my signal dies.

She does the MC Hammer dance, and her breasts jiggle under her swishy spring dress in a way even a celibate Tibetan monk couldn’t resist. There’s no fucking way she’s wearing a bra.

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My cock twitches harder.

How did a woman so insanely evil land the world’s most perfect tits?

“Go on, rich boy.” She switches to the Lawnmower, and now her hips are rocking it too. “Buy your way out of that.”

Good Chase, the businessman, the gaming tech genius, the face I show the world, the smarter part of my brain, hops off when the doors open on the second floor, because he appreciates stairs and getting the hell away from this deranged woman.

Bad Chase, though, has possessed my body, and keeps me in the elevator.

I wave goodbye to rational thought and better judgment—who needs those bitches anyway?—and turn to Bro with a growl.

She’s wiggling her sweet curvy ass at me now, arms circling, stirring the batter. “It’s my birthday, happy birthday, it’s my birth—oomph!”

Huh. Emergency stop button works, but it’s a little choppy on the execution. Better have maintenance look at that tomorrow.

I take one large, purposeful step toward Bro.

She fists her hands on her hips and calls me an asshole with her dark, heavy-lidded, fuck-me bedroom eyes.

Yeah.

She’s feeling it too.

That pull. That hate. That inexplicable force of rage that can only be satiated with a hard, hot fuck.

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WIN A $25 AMAZON GIFT CARD HERE



Addicted 2 Romance Review

I voluntarily reviewed an Advance Reader Copy of this book.

I have never read this author before but OMG I need to check her out. This book was SO insanely hate filled GOOD!

This is the story of Chase and Bro/Sia, he was her bothers bestie growing up until the night he took her virginity, took off running and left her to go to jail and lose her college acceptance. So to say he ruined her life is a HUGE understatement.

Now its years later and Sia works at a company she loves with coworkers who are her good friends when guess who ends up buying the company. YEP that would be a Yes on Chase and how he re-enters her life. The thing is Sia and Chase are magnets, they cannot live with each other and they cannot control themselves when together either.

So well Chase ends up causing some issues for Sia and I am not telling you what. But this book was a hoot. These two have perfect chemistry. This book was super wonderful, HOT and funny and cute all at the same time. I beyond loved it and the only thing I hated was it ended.

I don't think I have ever read a book that had such a good reason for the hatred but also was so good. If you LOVE stories that use hate that turns to love well you will ADORE this story.

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About the Author

Pippa Grant is a stay-at-home mom and housewife who loves to escape into sexy, funny stories way more than she likes perpetually cleaning toothpaste out of sinks and off toilet handles. When she’s not reading, writing, sleeping, or trying to prepare her adorable demon spawn to be productive members of society, she’s fantasizing about chocolate chip cookies.


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Alpha Mail by Brenda Rothert

ALPHA MAIL by Brenda Rothert is now LIVE! You don't want to miss this book!

About the Book

Sienna Mills knows her alpha males.

They brood.

They growl.

They love the word “mine”.

After spending her early twenties in and out of relationships with alphas, Sienna used her knowledge to found Alpha Mail, a booming business that allows women to sign up for emails, letters, and texts from their own brooding, red-blooded man.

Her star is on the rise and Sienna is attracting the interest of investors when a mysterious man starts messaging her about the true nature of an alpha. She’s got it all wrong, he says, and he’s willing to show her how a real man makes women respond.

The more Sienna hears from him, the more aggravated she becomes. Who does this anonymous, supposed alpha think he is, anyway?

And yet…she can’t deny his messages are becoming the best part of her days. Commitment-phobic Sienna finds herself wanting more from her sensei of seduction. But is she willing to trust her heart to an alpha again?


Links

Amazon: http://amzn.to/2f8Vgqi
iBooks: http://apple.co/2eKVELb
Nook: http://bit.ly/2vKCs6Z


Addicted 2 Romance Review

I voluntarily reviewed an Advance Reader Copy of this book.

Let me start by saying I LOVE this author. I am a total fan girl. The thing with her is she writes stories from the heart and some of it sometimes will break your heart. And this story features a side story on a mom whose child will never see adulthood. He has Batten Disease and I have heave never heard of it before but it sounds heart breaking and I shed a few tears because you will fall in love with the child, Jack in this story. He does NOT die in this story but we get to know him and see how he struggles.

This story stars Sienna, a single, 28 year old owner of a company called Alpha Mail. Essentially it is a paid web based and cell phone/texting companion service. People become clients so they have an Alpha Male who befriends them thru calls, texts, messaging. The story opens as Sienna wants to get more money and is trying to find investors because she knows she needs money to help her BFF Carmen and her son Jack because of his disease. It is also why she is profiled in a news article on her company and it introduces her to RoughRider16 who claims to be an Alpha but who tells her she has not met a true Alpha Male yet.

The story is fantastic. I LOVE texting and email based books and that is what the early interactions are about. Sienna and RoughRider get to know each other and Sienna wants to find her RoughRider. And I am not saying anything else about the plot because the story is so great you need to read it to find out. I will say it was a really fun and exciting trip and enjoyed every second of Sienna's rough journey to love.

About the Author


Brenda Rothert is an Illinois native who was a print journalist for nine years. She made the jump from fact to fiction in 2013 and never looked back. From new adult to steamy contemporary romance, Brenda creates fresh characters in every story she tells. She’s a lover of Diet Coke, chocolate, lazy weekends and happily ever afters.


Tuesday, October 24, 2017

Southern Attraction - Southern Heart Series #3 - by Kaylee Ryan


Title: Southern Attraction
Series: Southern Heart Series #3
Author: Kaylee Ryan
Genre: New Adult Romance
Release Date: October 24, 2017

About the Book

I had everything I ever wanted, living the dream, at least that's what I always thought. The night we met, we had an instant attraction, but she was with someone else. When we reunited a few months later, that pull was still there, stronger than ever. So strong, that even though she was hundreds of miles away, I pursued her. I told myself that I just wanted to get to know her. Deep down I knew it was more.

I never understood the draw of living in the middle of nowhere. Born and raised a city girl, I never had the desire to leave. Who would have thought a weekend trip to the country would have me questioning myself? It was more than just the country; it's him. The way he looks at me, treats me, that smooth southern drawl.

Am I willing to give up my legacy for her?

Am I willing to give up my dream for him?

Can two souls come together by the force of Southern Attraction?

Links


GOODREADS LINK: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/35491653-southern-attraction


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CLICK HERE FOR THE TRAILER

 Also Available


#1 Southern Pleasure – 99c for a limited time

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Addicted 2 Romance Review

I voluntarily reviewed an Advance Reader Copy of this book.

This book was seriously good. I have read every book in the series and this is book 3. It can stand alone but to really understand who everyone one and the backstory I would suggest you at least read the 2nd book which is where Jaime/James is introduced and we meet Mike.

That said there are not bad guys or bad experiences in this story it is purely character driven about two people who meet, feel  drawn to the other, have friends in common and slowly fall in love, while also living 600 miles apart.

The real issue is that Mike runs his families bar and he loves the place. It is his legacy. Meanwhile, Jamie has worked for the same attorney for years, with him retiring she has the chance to go after her dream job. The real question for her is Mike vs dream job?

To me it was a no brainer. But she has to come to that conclusion and that is what this book is about, her finding out what is really important in life. And Mike has to decide what he will give to have his love in his life.

A truly wonderful story in this authors very unique writing style that I beyond love. I loved seeing the gang from the previous books and I hope there are more in this series because I totally love it

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About the Author


Kaylee Ryan is a New York Times and USA Today Bestselling author.  When she’s not spinning tales of happily ever after, she’s reading or spending time with family.  Born and raised an Ohio girl, Kaylee resides in Cincinnati with her husband and their son.

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Tuesday, October 17, 2017

Character Flaws by Sierra Hill

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About the Book

Joey:

They say you never get a second chance at a first impression. That is, unless you’re my gorgeous temporary neighbor.

My first impression of Theo Crawford was anything but wonderful. He was discourteous, anti-social, and a drunken mess.

My second impression wasn’t much better when he inconsiderately woke me on a Sunday morning.

But by my third impression, my views toward Theo began to soften. Maybe he isn’t as bad as he seems.

And now? Well, let’s just say my defective heart doesn’t care that he’s gay, because I’ve fallen for him.

Theo:

Wait, what?

I’m not gay.

Where’d she get that impression?

GIVEAWAY


No automatic alt text available.

Links


GOODREADS LINK: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/36205875-character-flaws---a-standalone-romantic-comedy


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Free in Kindle Unlimited

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Addicted 2 Romance Review

I voluntarily reviewed an Advance Reader Copy of this book.

This is my first story I have read by this author and I really enjoyed it. It appears to be a stand alone with no other books in the series. It is about two very lonely people who both have the life they don't want who find each other. Not only do they find the other but they find themselves as well. And they are brought together by their close gay friend Patrick and Woody, P's dog.

Joey is a teacher and she HATES it. She has a complaining mother and she lives in Chicago and really does not love her life. She wants to find happiness and love but she has no clue where to start and the only light in her life is her close friend and neighbor, Patrick but he is gay.

Theo, thought he found love until is girl friend threw him out and complained about his lack of career. He is homeless until his old college friend, Patrick takes pity on him and lets him crash at his place. Patrick is also leaving for China, so Theo is moving in too.

The book has Theo and Joey getting to know the other. Neither are super confident and super happy with their lives but this story was a journey of them finding theselves and finally each otherand then going after the life they want.

A small part of the story has Joey being attracted to Theo and thinking him gay. It made the book funner but it is not the whole story. This was a really great story with a lot of depth and characters I totally grew to love even though they had definite character flaws.

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About the Author


Since self-publishing her first erotic contemporary romance in 2014, Sierra's found her creative passion, writing about the fictional characters that live in her brain, who constantly shout for their own love stories to be told. Sierra is a sucker for cheap accessories, enjoys traveling to see live concerts, and loves good seafood. Sierra resides in the Pacific Northwest with her husband of twenty years and her long-haired, German Shepherd. She is currently working on her next HEA.


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Friday, October 13, 2017

Tempt The Playboy - Tempt #2 - by Natasha Madison

The Blurb


play·boy ˈplāˌboi/ noun a wealthy man who spends his time enjoying himself, especially one who behaves irresponsibly or is sexually promiscuous.

Synonyms: socialite, pleasure seeker.

Noah
 I have it all, money, looks, and any woman I want. Till I meet her and my universe is knocked on its ass and she wants nothing to do with me.

Kaleigh
My motto: never date the same man twice. I have less chance of breaking my heart that way. Till my eyes land on the only man I’ll break my rule for. She thinks she can run. That I’ll let her get away. He thinks he can handle a woman like me. He has no idea. A man who has it all needs one thing and one thing only. A temptress.


Review

This book is the continuation of Book 1, Tempt the Boss and I LOVED it!! Beyond loved it. I started reading it and decided to re-read book 1 first and I am glad I did because it really helped refresh me on what happened before. This book does stand alone, but read book 1, it is sooooooooooooo good.

In the first book we meet Lauren, who is Kayleigh's sister and in book 1 Kay is portrayed a little kooky and as a vegetarian but a wonderful and aunt and sister. Lauren is newly divorced with 2 kids and Kay is helping her out and living together. The first book opens up with the cheating ex and moves to Lauren's first day of her new job, and this second book opens up on the first day of Lauren's job and then skips to two weeks later, at the parents brunch/anniversary party. And lemme tell you that was the best scene in the first book and so I LOVED seeing it from a different angle. And that is where Noah and Kay meet the first time.

This is the story of playboy or manslut Noah's chase of Kayleigh, who is perfect for him. Noah,is the bestie of Austin, the boss in book 1 who Lauren tries to tempt. In this story, which runs paralel to book 1,Kay makes him work for it and Noah has some realy kooky ways he tries to convince Kay to give him a shot. His ploys to get her, well they prove he is perfect for her.

Kayleigh is not what I call a socialite. She is more the flaky, vegetarian, all play and never serious type of woman. She does casual sex, never spends the night and never has sex twice with the same guy. And friends she doesn't really do that with men unless they are gay or married.

But Noah is determined and I loved that about him. He pulls out all the stops and toatlly changes in this story and I beyond loved how giving and open he was in having a girlfriend and dating. Kay is the one not wanting committment and running in this story.

I LOVED this story. Soooooooo much. I hated that it ended and really recommend this story.

Watch the trailer HERE

I voluntarily reviewed an Advance Reader Copy of this book


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Noah

I wave goodbye to the blonde standing at her door wearing her pink kimono and nothing else as I am pulling away from the curb. I turn on the music, but it’s not on long before I see a call coming in from Austin.



“Go for Ho,” I say to him.



“Where are you at eight a.m. on a Sunday?” he asks me.



“That you even ask this makes me question how well you know me.”



“Fuck off. You can go a Saturday without having sex and your dick won’t fall off. You know this, right?”

Is he serious with this question?



“I don’t even know who you are right now. I think the problem is that you haven’t used your dick since Lauren fucked your balls up.”



“My balls became the fucking size of watermelons. That shit was not funny.”



I burst out laughing. “Dude, they were not pretty. I thought they’d explode and you’d have just your testicles left on the floor.”



“You better have deleted those fucking pictures that I saw you take.”



“Delete them? Fuck, it’s my screen saver at work and on my phone. I might get a T-shirt made with that image.”



“You’re an asshole.”

I smirk at his insult.



“I’ve been called much, much worse,” I inform him. I mean, just last week I was called a cocksucker, which is totally not true, because I will not be sucking any cock at any time. Ever.



“Anyway, brunch, pick me up at noon,” he demands.



“You live next door now. Can’t you walk over?” He moved in within two weeks of seeing the house. It was so fast and came almost furnished, so he was in within a day.



“Fine, I’ll walk over at noon. Be ready.”



“Later, princess.” I disconnect the call as soon as I arrive home, pulling my car into the garage. At noon he knocks on the door, opening it, and coming in before I have a chance to make it downstairs.



“Let’s go. We’ll take my car,” he yells from downstairs.

I run my hand through my still damp hair before walking downstairs.



“You’re so antsy today.” I look at him as he bounces on the heels of his feet. I follow him out, getting inside and leaning my head back, closing my eyes.



When we show up in front of a house, that is when Austin fills me in.



“Where the fuck are we? I thought you said we were going to brunch.” I look over at all the white picket fence houses.



“Yeah, pit stop first. I have to pick up my dry cleaning at Lauren’s,” he tells me, getting out of the car.



Once we make our way around her house, I ask him, “Why are we at her house?”



“She’s having a brunch.” He shrugs. “I may have sent her some penis decorations,” he says to me before walking to the fence at the side of the house.



The first thing I see are all the balloons. Fuck, my hand goes to my mouth. “Holy shit, she is going to cut your dick off with dental floss,” I say before he knocks on the gate and walks into the backyard.



Austin stops in his tracks, mid-step. I almost run into him when I see that it isn’t just a small brunch, but there are about fifteen or so people scattered around the yard.



“Holy shit,” I whisper, looking at Lauren. “Dude, I think she’s going to cry.”

Austin’s eyes snap straight to Lauren.



But I’m not looking at Lauren anymore. In my eyesight is the blonde standing next to her. She’s a knockout. Actually, that isn’t even a good enough word for her. She is breathtaking. Her blond hair moves a bit with the wind. Her blue eyes are almost like the Caribbean ocean that you want to plunge into. I can’t stop looking at her. I don’t even hear what Lauren and Austin are talking about. Instead, I watch the woman, who finally looks over at me. I’m about to say something to her when I hear something about a chocolate willy.



“No, you cannot have a willy chocolate. We are going to eat in a minute.” She turns and storms inside.



“This is not good for anyone. You must be Asshat.” She points to him. “You’ve poked the bear now.”

I don’t say anything else since he turns and follows Lauren inside.

The blonde turns to me. “So, how you doing?” she says in her best Joey Tribbiani voice.



That she is trying to use the best line to ever be said I smirk thinking I might have found my soul mate. Okay, maybe my sex mate, for the night. “It’s looking up now. I’m really hoping it’s going to look up more tonight.” I wink at her and smile.



When she starts to drag her eyes up and down my body while she licks her lips like I’m her next meal, my cock suddenly starts to stir, wanting out.

I hear Rachel yelling, “Daddy, look, a willy.”



“Fuck, this just got interesting. The ex is here,” she says, looking at the gate where a man just walked in and is kissing Rachel’s head. “I better go save Austin and warn Lauren.” She walks away.

I watch her ass sway from side to side. I look down at my hands. Yup, definitely a good fit. I run after her as she closes the back door.



She’s about to knock on the door when we hear Lauren’s voice go high.

“Didn’t you get your revenge already? You penis-bombed my parents’ anniversary party!”



I move behind the blonde and notice that her head goes up to my lips. My hands go directly to her hips. Her head turns to the side. “I want to hear what they are saying.”

She just smiles at me and I’m feeling my hard cock against her back.



“Should I bend over so you can put your ear to the door?”

Fuck me, I think I just jazzed in my pants.



I pull her even closer to me. “You bend over and there will be one more penis added to this party.” I’m about to lean forward and kiss her when I hear Austin finally yell back.



“You made my balls swell to the size of fucking grapefruits. I thought they were going to explode.”

I laugh at that.



“They were fucking huge. I have the pictures to show. Lauren was a pain in his balls, that’s for sure.”

She leans into the front of my chest.



“I did no such thing.” She tries to deny weakly. “But this, this... You pushed it too far.”



“How about we call a truce?” Austin tries to plead. “I don’t think I can take any more. I almost died, and my testicles almost exploded.”



“Fine,” she complies.



“Truce.” I hear whispered.



“You think they’re fucking in there?” We both lean into the door to hear.



“My sister wouldn’t fuck with a party in her house.”



“That’s a shame. Is this a family trait?” I try goading her to see what line she will pass.



“I have no problem having sex with people around.” She winks at me. “I mean, if he was really, really worth it.”

This woman will be the death of me, or I might faint from all my blood going straight to my cock. Which is as hard as a marble statue.



She lifts her hand to knock on the door. “Hey, I don’t mean to interrupt, but, um, Jake is here.”



The door unlocks, swinging open with Lauren standing there with a pink tint to her cheeks and Austin has his hand rubbing his neck.

“What do you mean, Jake is here? Why is Jake here?” she asks with her voice rising with each question.



“Hi”—the woman pushes Lauren aside—“I’m Kaleigh, her favorite sister,” she introduces herself.



“She’s my only sister, and she will be homeless in a second if she doesn’t get out of my way.” Lauren’s voice is angry.



I chuckle behind her. Lauren turns and points at me. “You, if I find out you helped him, it’s going to be on,” she hisses and leans in closer to me when she continues, “like Donkey Kong.” And then she walks away.



“What the fuck does she mean, like Donkey Kong?” I turn to Kaleigh, looking for an answer.



“Oh, I was on that list only once”—she leans in closer to me—“and I begged and cried to get off of it.” She looks at Austin then back at me. “It was like living in that movie The Shining, but worse.”

I feel my face pale at that little tidbit of information.



I point at Austin. “If I get it like Donkey Kong, I’m going to put the pictures of your swollen, abnormally large testicles on a billboard in Times Square,” I threaten him, while Kaleigh just watches us.



“Who the fuck is Jake?” Austin finally asks.



“Her ex. This should be fun,” Kaleigh claims, walking away from us.



“You took a picture of my nuts?” he asks when Lauren storms out.



I shake my head at him. “No, I took a burst of shots of your nuts.” Then I walk out, following Kaleigh. My dick leads the way to her. He hasn’t even met her yet he’s already on radar for her.



“What are you doing here?” I hear Lauren ask a guy who must be Jake.



While I take in the scene, I turn my head, catching one of the waiters passing around some canapés. I also grab champagne from another tray.



“What the fuck are you doing?” I hear Austin hiss at my side while he watches Lauren and her ex.



“I’m eating and drinking,” I say, showing him my full hands. “I mean, this is a party. You did bring me to a party.” I finish off the food. “You should try those mushroom things. They are really good,” I say, finishing off the champagne and signaling the waiter for more. I grab another glass. “Did the ex leave?” I ask Austin as I drain my second glass.



“Yeah, he came to get the kids and forgot it was the party. Guy looks like a douche,” Austin says.

Kaleigh informs Lauren that we are sitting at their table.



“They aren’t staying,” Lauren says before she turns around, heading inside.



“Oh, come now, Lauren. That would be rude,” Dede chides. “You can sit at our table.” She turns to Frank. “Let’s go sit down, honey.”



Once everyone is seated, I look around our table. It’s Kaleigh, Frank, Dede, Lauren, Austin, and Josh, who I found out is a doctor and bears a striking resemblance to Newman from Seinfeld.



He sits next to Lauren, standing up when she gets to the table and pushing her chair in. She looks over at him and smiles. I watch all this take place and then see the tic in Austin’s neck start to throb.



He grabs his glass of wine and downs it in one gulp. “Slow down there, slugger. We don’t want you flying off on one of those penis balloons,” I whisper in his ear while he glares at me.





“So,” Josh starts, looking at Lauren. “I hear congratulations are in order. You’re back in the work force now.” He continues in that annoyingly nasal voice of his, “How does this weekend sound?” He blushes and looks down at his hands. What a putz.



“Oh, um, she can’t do it this weekend,” Kaleigh answers for Lauren. “She’s having her bikini area waxed and styled,” she explains, nodding her head.



“What?” He looks confused.



“Well”—Kaleigh leans in and whispers—“it’s like the Amazon down there.”



I spit water from my mouth, almost fucking choking while their mother puts her hand to her mouth and Lauren throws her fork down on the plate, the clatter hushing the whispers at our table.

“Kaleigh,” she grates out, her jaw ticking.



“What?” she asks. “Was it a secret?” She shrugs. “So sorry.” She brings her glass of wine to her mouth in an attempt to hide her smirk.

My eyes shoot to each of them like I’m watching a tennis match.



“Dear,” Lauren’s mother questions, “are you okay? Is this procedure normal?” She gives her daughter a look filled with concern.



“Mom—” Lauren starts before she is cut off by her father.



“Lauren, it’s been a while since Jake left. Maybe if you”—he gestures with his hand in a circle and his finger sliding in and out—“you won’t be so stressed.”



She slams her hands on the table, the glasses clinking and rocking with the force of it. “I'm not having any hair removal procedures done, because it is not necessary. Can we please just—” This time, she is cut off by her mother.



“So, you’ve had sex since Jake?” Dede asks her, a smile on her face. “This is so good to hear.” She claps her hands together then leans over and puts her hand on Lauren’s. “I thought you had that glow about you.”



“I’m going to the bathroom,” Lauren excuses herself as she gets up and points to Kaleigh. “You”—she growls—“come with me.”



“Oh,” Kaleigh replies, completely unperturbed, “I’m good. I don’t need to go. I’ll just wait here. Keep the guests entertained.”



“Not a word. Or else Donkey Kong,” she promises before she storms off.



“So,” Dede starts, turning to Austin. “How long have you two been dating?” She looks at him and then at the door Lauren just walked through.



Kaleigh laughs. “Oh, they aren’t dating, Mom. He’s her boss,” she helpfully points out. “He sent all these penis balloons.”



Frank looks over at Austin. “You sent all these balloons and ruined all her hard work?” he asks.



“Um, sir, if I could just explain.” Before Austin can say anything else, Frank puts up his hand to stop him.



“I like you,” he declares right before someone clinks their glass and the speeches start.



I put my hand around Kaleigh’s chair while my thumb rubs her exposed shoulder. I lean in to whisper in her ear, “So since we are talking about bikini waxes and everything, will I need a machete?”



She puts her shoulder into my arm, fitting there perfectly. “No machete needed. You see, I have a very well-manicured lawn.” She raises her eyebrows at me.



“We should have a picnic. I heard eating well-manicured lawns can fill up a person.”

Her cheeks pinked.



“I’ve never eaten manicured lawn before, but I have eaten some pretty good sausages.” She bites my ear, making me almost groan, but then Austin kicks my chair to get my attention.



My eyebrows shoot up when Austin says urgently, “Gotta go,” then glances over at Lauren, who is coming straight for us like a bull and Austin is the one waving the red cape. “Now would be good.”



He throws his napkin on the plate in front of him. “This has been fun,” he murmurs, trying to escape.



“Running off so early, guys?” she sing-songs as she comes up behind us. The way she says it, even my balls are inverted.



“We intruded,” Austin says. “Thank you for having us. Dede, Frank, I wish you many more years of happiness.” We rush out on a wave, out the side gate.



“Run,” Austin says the minute the gate closes behind us, and he doesn’t have to tell me twice.

“What the fuck just happened? I didn’t even get Kaleigh’s number,” I whine, getting in the car, not even buckling in before he races away.



“I may have had male strippers show up,” he says, looking into his side-view mirror.



I turn my head, seeing about twelve men all getting into a big bus of sorts. “Yup, you’ve done pissed off the fucking Donkey Kong. She’s going to rain down on you. I suggest you run, move, and don’t look back.” I buckle myself in. “Oh, and don’t tell me where you’re going because I’ll fucking tell her.” I grab my cock in my hands. “She’s not getting next to my pride and joy.”



“She’ll be fine.”



I laugh at him. “You think?” I shake my head. “You have no idea.”



Kaleigh



I don’t know what is going on, but one second I’m talking about eating sausages on my manicured lawn and the next Lauren is storming across the lawn and Austin and Noah are running away.



I get up. “What did I miss?” I look back and forth from the gate where it just slammed and to my sister.



“The entire cast of Thunder From Down Under just arrived.” She looks around to see if the guests are okay.



I get up, raising my skirt a little bit to show off more leg. “Where? Are they inside? Shit, do I look okay?” I fluff my hair.



“Kaleigh,” she whisper-hisses, “they aren’t here anymore. I sent them away.”



I groan and slam one hand on the table. “Why? Why would you do that?” I get up and run to the side gate to see if they’re still in the driveway. “Buzz kill,” I call her as I pick up Rachel. “Can you protect me from Mommy?” I whisper in her ear before blowing kisses in her neck while Lauren sits down and starts her meal of wine.



The rest of the afternoon goes by without any further penis-related incidents. All cupcakes have been consumed, minus the penis cake toppers that Lauren removed before serving them.



Once everyone has left, Lauren plops down into her chair and throws her feet up on the one Austin sat in. “That was fun, right?” I ask, grabbing a strawberry.



“You told people I had a strange excessive hair issue on my hoo-ha that required a complicated bikini wax and styling.” She glares at me.



“I was trying to get Josh to imagine that you're a woman with a hairy bush so he doesn’t ask you out again!” I drink from the wine glass I’m holding in my hand. “You’re welcome.” I smirk.



“What the hell are we going to do with all those penis balloons?”

She looks around. “Asshole,” she grumbles under her breath.



“What’s the story with Noah?” I try to ask casually, thinking back to the conversation we had. I would have let him plow my lawn.



“No idea. He’s Austin’s best friend from what I gathered,” she tells me while looking at Rachel, who is running in circles with, unfortunately, a penis balloon in her hand. “Ten minutes to bath time!” she calls out, hoping she acknowledges her, but she just continues her one-girl—with a penis balloon—parade.



“Mom,” we hear Gabe call from behind us. “Can I go to Jesse’s house to kick the ball around?”



She checks her watch before answering. “Only for thirty minutes, okay?”



“So, what are you going to do to Austin for all of this?” I ask, pointing to the balloons.



“Nothing.” She smirks. “We called a truce.”



I sit up and put my glass down. “I know that smirk. I’ve been on the receiving end of that smirk!”



“I mean, we called truce today, right? We didn’t call truce on Wednesday when he made me run back out for a fucking crisp kosher pickle, because the one that came with his sandwich was limp, right?” she asks me with a perplexed smile on her face. It’s almost like you’re looking into evil.



“What did you do now? From the pictures, his balls were almost the size of Gabe’s soccer ball.” I think back on Noah’s phone that he took out when he got a text from someone. His lock screen was of swollen balls.



She slaps the table. “You saw pictures?” Her mouth is hanging open.



I nod. “I did. Not the actual frank, though, just the beans. But they were ginormous.” I motion with my hands, forming them into huge round objects in the air. “Now, what did you do?”



“Nothing that will make any part of him swell. I will never, ever do something like that again.” She shakes her head. “I may have shredded one of his parking tickets that had to be paid by yesterday so he could avoid his car getting booted,” she confesses quietly, looking into the glass she picked up from the table.



“Holy shit. I hope you kept the photocopies, because you can’t not pay that. He is going to know it was you,” I warn her.



“I know, I know. I kept them, so just relax.” She puts her hands on her hips and states defensively, “I’m going to pay them.”



“When?” I ask her again, earning an eye roll from her.



“Next week,” she replies. “Rach, bath time.” She walks to the back door. “Don’t you dare sit there and judge me, missy.” She points at me. “By the way, the potatoes had butter in them. That’s for the bikini wax,” she says before she turns her back to me and walks inside with the sound of her curses filling my ears.



“Are you fucking insane? I’m vegan. That’s fucking wrong.” I shake my head, picking up a penis straw and throwing it at her, where it nose dives on the table.



I sit down, finishing the rest of my wine while the cleanup crew comes and starts taking down everything.



“Excuse me, ma’am,” one of the men calls me. “Where do you want all the balloons?” he asks me.

I smile at him.



“In my sister’s car.” I point to the gate door. “The minibus in the front, just pile them in there.” He smiles at me and nods, the balloons following him as he walks to the car, shoving most of them in there.



“Take that, Donkey Kong Bitch.” I smile into the wine glass, finishing off the last drop.



I walk inside, closing the door, then walk upstairs right as Lauren comes out of the bathroom. “Are the guys still cleaning up?”



“Yeah, they are almost done.” I smile at her, walking to my room and closing the door. I turn on one soft light in the room, undressing, tossing my dress into the basket. My phone buzzes and I pick it up as I lie on the bed and see I missed out on quite a bit.



There are messages from the studio about a change in the times. Then there is another one from an unknown number.



Hey, I hope I have the right person. Do you have a manicured lawn?



I throw my head back, laughing at the message.



It depends on who is asking. How did you get my number?



I jump onto Facebook while I wait to see if he’ll answer right away.



It’s called stalking 101. I went on Lauren’s Facebook, went to her friends list, found you. Clicked your page, and on your about section I saw your studio name. Clicked the studio and then boom, I got my prize.



I shake my head.



Wow, you put a lot of thought into this process. Well, I should make it worthwhile. I take a picture of my bare legs.



Holy shit, are we exchanging pictures already? This is fantastic news.

The picture is of him lying down, wearing a pair of basketball shorts, on the bed. The elastic rides very low, showing you he’s a landscaper also. His chest perfect, his abs defined. He’s not a muscle man, but it’s the side abs that get me. Cut and lean. That is the best way I can describe him.



Thanks for that. It made it into my spank bank.



I got a lot more where that came from, but I don’t give it away on the first night. Have dinner with me?



When?



Tomorrow.



I shrug my shoulders, thinking what the worse that can happen is.

Sure, where?



My place, your place, the fucking park. I don’t care as long as you're sitting in front of me.



I giggle.

That’s a good one. How about I meet you at your place say 6 p.m.



Perfect. What’s your favorite thing to eat?



I smirk at myself while I answer him.



Cock. Lots and lots of cock. See you tomorrow, Noah. Send me your address.



974 Sherville Rd. Oh and that answer made this happen.



The picture that comes through is his shorts, hiding a very erect cock.



See you tomorrow, beautiful.



I turn on my side, watching the stars twinkle outside. Closing off my light, the lights from outside stream in. I yawn and slowly close my eyes and drift off to sleep, dreaming of blue oceans and eyes that make me get lost.



My night dreams are of the beach, chasing the waves, running, doing cartwheels in the sand. Sitting in the middle of the sand, taking in the beauty of the sun going down. My alarm wakes me with charm bells. Slowly at first, soft, going higher and higher till it’s like a siren.



“Aunt Kay.” I hear Rachel outside my door. “Mom said to get your bony hind downstairs and get the willy balloons out of the car.”



I turn over, laughing while I throw the covers off, grabbing my robe and going to the door. I open the door and Rachel is still standing there. “You’re in big trouble, missy.”

She leans in, whispering as I pick her up, bringing her close to me, “She used her mom inside voice.”



I lean back, my eyes going wide. “Oh, dear.”



“Yes,” she says, nodding, “she talks like this.” She imitates Lauren talking with her teeth clenched.



“Oh, well, I better go get dressed and bring my behind downstairs.” I kiss her neck. “Go brush your teeth while I get dressed.” I put her down, watching her run into her bathroom.



I walk to my drawer, taking out my pink yoga capris with the matching bra. I head downstairs while Lauren gives the ten-minute warning.



I smile as I step into the kitchen. “Good morning, sunshine.” I stop at the coffee machine.



“Did you put the penis balloons in my car?” She turns to ask me, stuffing papers into Rachel’s backpack.



I bring the cup of coffee to my lips. “No.” I shake my head, hiding my smile while I take a sip. “I didn’t put them in your car.” I’m not lying either. I myself didn’t put them in her car.



“My whole car is filled with penis balloons.”



I put the cup down as Lauren yells bus up the stairs. Rachel comes hopping into the room, grabbing her backpack, with Gabe right behind her. He grabs his bag from Lauren, kisses her cheek, then comes over to me and does the same.



“Have a kick-ass day,” I tell him.



“I’m going to kick ass today,” Rachel says, walking out the door.



“Watch your mouth,” Lauren says and follows them outside to the bus.

I pick up my cup and watch them walk to the bus stop. The bus arrives right on time. I wave goodbye to them as Lauren returns.



“You okay to work today?” I ask her, knowing that somehow things between Austin and her aren’t quite what they seem to be.



“I’m more than okay. I’ll be fine now that we have all”—she waves her hand in the air—“that animosity out of the way.”



I laugh at her. “Is that what you’re calling it?” I hold the cup with both hands, taking another gulp.



She glares at me, opening her car door, one helium penis balloon floating up into the sky. We both watch the balloon float off. She opens the back door and the rest slowly float out. “Let them go, Lauren,” I say loudly as Mrs. Flounder comes outside, her hair still in curlers, with a scarf around her head. “It’s raining penises, Mrs. Flounder. They are raining down on us.”



I raise my hand to the sky. She claps her hands together. “I would like to be rained down on.” She winks at Lauren. “For a whole five minutes. That would be my dream.”



I raise my cup to her. “Here’s hoping.”



“I don’t have time for this,” Lauren says, closing the back door, then climbing into the front seat. “Don’t forget the kids.”



“Aye aye, captain,” I say, saluting her. “I have a date tonight.” I wiggle my eyebrows. “A date I hope to become the pretzel.”

She laughs as she pulls out of the driveway.



By the time I make it to the studio doing my routine and making it back home where I get the kids ready and settled, I have just enough time to throw on a dark blue summer dress. I pick up my purse from the bed, tossing the bra and panties that I am happily going without.


About the Author

When her nose isn't buried in a book, or her fingers flying across a keyboard writing, she's in the kitchen creating gourmet meals. You can find her, in four inch heels no less, in the car chauffeuring kids, or possibly with her husband scheduling his business trips. It's a good thing her characters do what she says, because even her Labrador doesn't listen to her...
















GRAHAM by Samantha Lind (Graham and Savannah)

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